self-sufficience, please.

fotze @ 2006-07-08T22:33:00

2006-07-08T21:34:39Z

oh wow, khan just posted a comment on my myspace. & i have wolfgang mueller and kid congo powers on my friends list. i am so cool.

a list of gigs/concerts/talks + noteworthy events attended

2006-06-08T13:57:24Z

to keep track of things:

1999-09: TORI (AMOS) & ~~ALANIS (MORISETTE)~~ // 5 & 1/2 Weeks Tour; Molson Amphitheatre; Toronto, Canada
2000-12: PJ HARVEY // Phoenix Concert Theatre; Toronto, Canada
2001-05: PJ HARVEY // Air Canada Center (opening for U2); Toronto, Canada
2001-09: BJORK / MATMOS // Hummingbird Centre; Toronto, Canada
2001-11: THE (INTERNATIONAL) NOISE CONSPIRACY // Hummingbird Centre; Toronto, Canada
2001-11: TORI AMOS // Massey Hall; Toronto, Canada
2002-04: NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS (supported by NEKO CASE) // Kool Haus ; Toronto, Canada
2002-08: MARY TIMONY / LE TIGRE // The Opera House; Toronto, Canada
2003-06: NICK CAVE AND THE BAD SEEDS // Kool Haus ; Toronto, Canada
2003-07: PLACEBO // Kool Haus ; Toronto, Canada
2003-08: YEAH YEAH YEAHS // The Opera House; Toronto, Canada
2004-02: YEAH YEAH YEAHS // Phoenix Concert Theatre; Toronto, Canada
2004-03: XIU XIU/ANAGRAM/LES MOUCHES // The Gladstone Hotel; Toronto, Canada
2004-08: XIU XIU/FINAL FANTASY // The Gladstone Hotel; Toronto, Canada
2004-06: CURRENT 93 // The Music Gallery/St. George The Martyr; Toronto, Canada
2005-06: XIU XIU/FINAL FANTASY // The Brantford Plant; Brantford, Canada
2005-07: ARI UP & THE TRUE WARRIORS // Sneaky Dee's; Toronto, Canada
2006-01: STEVE REICH // University of Toronto Music Faculty; Toronto, Canada
2006-04: BILLY CHILDISH // The Spitz; London, UK
2006-04: MARGARET CHO // "Bam Bam & Celeste" Premier + Q&A @ LLGFF, NFT; London, UK
2006-04: MARGARET CHO // "We Will Shoot You" Her Majesty's Royal Theatre; London, UK
2006-04: SONORITIES FESTIVAL (various) // Sonic Arts Research Center, Queen's University; Belfast, UK
2006-04: LYDIA LUNCH // The Black Box, Cathedral Quarter Arts Festival; Belfast, UK
2006-05: TOM ZE // The Barbican; London, UK
2006-05: DANIELLE DAX / J.G. THIRWELL & others // "Lyrics in Libraries" Brixton Central Library; London, UK
2006-05: PJ HARVEY // The Eos Marquee, Hay-On-Wye Festival; Hay-On-Wye, UK
2006-06: JOHN ZORN/MIKE PATTON // 'Crowley At The Crossroads' Barbican Hall; London, UK
2006-06: FACTORY RECORDS (Peter Saville, Anthony Wilson, Pat Caroll + author) // Cochrane Theatre; London, UK
2006-09-XX: XIU XIU // El Mocambo; Toronto, Canada
2006-09-XX: KENNETH ANGER // Anger Me screening; Toronto, Canada
2007-05-XX: MICK HARVEY // London, UK
2007-05-XX: DIAMANDA GALAS // London, UK
2007-05-2X: THROBBING GRISTLE // (Derek Jarman projections) Tate Modern; London, UK
2007-06-1X: GITHEAD // Bar Music Hall; London, UK
2007-07-XX: COURTNEY LOVE // Bush Hall; London, UK
2007-07-XX: FAUST/CHARLES HAYWARD // London, UK
2007-07-XX: OM // Camden Underground; London, UK
2007-07-XX: SLINT // London, UK
2007-07-XX: ARI UP & THE TRUE WARRIORS // London, UK
2007-07-XX: KLIMA // London, UK
2007-08-2X: SONIC YOUTH // London, UK
2007-09-2X: CHARLES HAYWARD // New Cross London, UK
2007-09-2X: PJ HARVEY // Bristol, UK
2007-11-0X: LYDIA LUNCH // St. George the Martyr's; London, UK
2008-04-23: THE MAGIK MARKERS/EVANGELISTA/OLD TIME RELIJUN // Cargo, Hoxton; London, UK
2008-05-04: LYDIA LUNCH/HTRK // Corsica Studios; London, UK
2008-07-04: LADYTRON // Harbourfront Center; Toronto, Canada

fotze @ 2006-03-23T12:37:00

2006-03-23T12:38:12Z

Jack White chats with Billy Childish, Dazed & Confused

WHAT a fucking turn-off.

my last 5 cd purchases

2006-02-08T05:35:53Z

MARS, "the complete NYC recordings" -- finally! i found it. this is quite nicely done actually, with some liner notes by lydia lunch and mark cunningham. some comments on each of the songs + the lyrics! i was wayy off.
ROYAL TRUX, "3-song ep" -- it's accelerator i wanted to get...they're like the kills (which i heard first) but farr more interesting and sound-wise much more drug-induced, tho i've never done drugs and wouldn't know.
STEVE REICH, "you are (variations)"
LYDIA LUNCH, "drowning in limbo"
NINA SIMONE, jazz masters - greatest hits type thing.

bumped into the girl who does the projections on the final fantasy shows the other day.

i'm going for a brain imaging scan tomorrow, an MRI scan next week. in 2 weeks i leave for london, england, but just to work.

oh oh oh and my mark going into universities is a 90.16%. a 90 is more or less the 'common' minimum for entrace to oxford u. reading over the qualifications and exam topics is scarier than the exorcist, which wasn't scary at all.

black is the colour of my true love's hair...

2006-02-06T07:54:15Z

by patty waters. this is just beautiful. it's like watching rosemary's baby, but better. spooky...

fotze @ 2005-11-23T01:13:00

2005-11-23T06:18:49Z

i'm in desperate need of new music.
can anyone name some bands/albums/songs worth checking out?

right now i'm overplaying the githead ep & album, as well as the songs 'blindness' and 'the classical' by the fall.

humans: are they worth our while?

2005-11-20T05:41:30Z

fuck no, not really.

yeah, i'm depressed... i guess i'm still pretty impressionable, really young and virginal, a bit sensitive, which is un-hip, maybe distasteful. i'm sticking to my isolationism, lesser exposure, doing minimal things, that is, for as long as i'm still stuck in the suburbs, this undesirable part of the world, hicksville, this cultural ghetto. no acclimating, no adapting, 'til i find somewhere where i would like to, somewhere compatible. it'll change later...then i can come back to this part of the world knowing how to deal with it or what i could get from it. i guess it's just that i'm so impressionable, so i'll have to be extremely selective in what i want to experience. this means practically, filtering shit -- trusting instincts (please), not seriously taking what people say, & no involvement in extracurricular illiterary and arts organizations at school. you know, it gets lonely when your tastes are a little different, and with the given circumstances, and when you know you aren't exactly thee shit.

fotze @ 2005-11-14T14:41:00

2005-11-14T19:42:17Z

remember le tigre's 'deceptacon' on a cellphone commericial?
well now they're using 'hot topic' too.

$$$ pt 2

2005-11-13T01:28:26Z

i'm a happy man. i just bought:
"notebooks of a naked youth" by billy childish
dennis cooper's "the sluts"

"God Jr." i'm reading right now, which more than any other of his (maybe along with frisk), i am really enjoying. the fact that the obsession revolves around what seems like an extremely unremarkable teenager somehow makes it all the more appealing. raises something about the nature of obsession, (and he's always so insightful in terms of portraying these 'darker' things), our manipulation, what's real/unreal. i don't know! tho' i'm very engaged by this daddy character.

now i want to write. but i shan't.

$$$

2005-11-03T04:05:09Z

Your order number is, OR13713823. Please keep this number for future
reference, in case you would like to check the status of your order.

Your kiosk order includes the following item(s):

1. On the Heights of Despair - 1 @ $29.49
2. God, Jr. - 1 @ $16.95

woohoo! kan't wait to read teh new dennis cooper. & to sleep with the cioran, it's HARDcover.

l'ennui, & i

2005-11-02T00:15:49Z

yeah, so like, school hasn't gotten me back in shape, as i thought it would, like it did last semester. so i'm just really really bored, understimulated. when you abstain from habit i guess what results is either the sinking into boredom, pschological depression or, quite simply, pure(r) consciousness. can't tell which is which.

& more & more i've been having these dreams of me doing just very routinely, unremarkable, ordinary everday things: wandering around the house, a hallway, wandering off in class, staring blankly at the computer screen, receiving these lovely letters/e-mails from people, friends, acquaintances, apologies from ex-friends that i never actually got, ie, me being bored bored bored... it can get confusing at times, to have to think twice to remember what only happened in dreams.

GOT it.

2005-09-16T18:33:23Z

why am i so miserable in 2 of the 3 courses i'm taking? why was i so miserable in my old, catholic high school? it's becasue of MEN. (HETEROSEXUAL MALE INSTRUCTORS, occasionally under the guise of a woman). that disgusting species of inferiors, attuned only to each other's INCOMPETENCE.

i love a man in a uniform

2005-09-15T05:29:34Z

ok. i was looking through the wholenote canary pages (which is a directory of all the choirs that exist in toronto), and i had no idea that the Toronto Police Association had their own male chorus! (and since 1966.) et voila -- here they are in uniform, and here they are dressed up as cowboys.

...jjuust like the hardcore punk scene, in a way, before homocore.

list of 10 favourite films...

2005-09-11T06:42:42Z

it's time to make/revise one...

01. ?
02a. A Clockwork Orange -- i'd hate for this to be my no. 1.
02b. Morvern Callar -- introspective that works. fuck off, Last Days.
03. In The Mood For Love -- Kar-Wai is so amazing, but i would love to see him make really unambitious short films. that i'd be curious to see, his experiments, outtakes, deleted scenes...that wouldn't feature people like fucking zhang ziyi.
04. Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore -- the script is amazing for something from 1974. it makes six feet under look like the piece of shit that it actually, really is. (or maybe i'm just bitter about the last two seasons, which were just fucking terrible...unbelievable.) i like the shaky camera work. the whole thing has got this disturbing undercurrent, and especially at the funniest bits.
05. Jubilee
06. Stella Does Tricks -- this was sweet, & for some reason i just remember this.
07. The Raspberry Reich
08. L.I.E. -- when i say 'romance', i mean this.
09. Crash -- i first saw this when i was about 10 and it scared the fuck outta me.
10. May -- the poor, poor girl... the kelley deal/breeders soundtrack was so apt.

09/06/05

2005-09-06T05:51:55Z

i feel so ditzy, & for about the past two months, i've had nothing (i wanted) to say.
i start school on wednesday, tho, it'll hopefully get me back in shape. i personally look forward to my spare period where i'd be in the library either getting homework done or reading up on the phil. books that the school library has. for a secondary school library in the suburbs, i'd say it's quite impressive, and enough to make me giddy; a lot of these introductory guides / so-and-so philosoper "in 90 minutes" series, on post-feminism, sartre, de beauvior, wittgenstein, derrida, who's my recent favourite, a book by michel foucault that i have not yet checked out. so i look forward to be able to do that, which of course i can't do myself when i'm at home, because i just tend to slump/sleaze/doze off - it's a good place to have i guess, but only in moderation.

for tomorrow, i'll be picking up my timetable for the semester: period a - canadian history, b - spare, c -canada & world politics (ugh), d - vocal.

the teacher for canadian history i don't think i would like. she just comes off as the really cynical type - lazy, incapable of any good sense, logic, organizational abilities,... she just comes off as never having taught a bright student er... or someone to whom nothing interesting has ever happened.

the vocal/choral (HA!) i'm really anxious about. i don't actually have the offical prerequisites for it, so i'll have to prove my abilities and see if the teacher will let me stay. i'm excited about being able to spend a bit more effort into my singing -- to sing everyday, to really get to tone up and stuff. i look forward to this kind of environment, it's been a while!

fotze @ 2005-08-29T06:29:00

2005-08-29T10:35:07Z

critical mindsss
don't think too clearly
critical mindsss
critical critical critical
you can always tell the critical mindsss

don't-care.

the guys from bruce labruce's raspberry reich...

2005-08-20T07:36:55Z

didn't realize they were porn stars for cazzo film in germany. gudrun's beau is in 'skinflick', also directed by bruce labruce for the same comapny. two of the kidnappers in the raspberry reich as well as the guy with the pistol i just spotted in 'berlin privat 2' and that dude who got screwed by the hostage is currently working for falcon - seems to be turning into quite the power-bottom, actually.

calm charles, calm. i will tell you ALL about september.

2005-08-20T07:05:58Z

options for september:

1. do correspondence + night school at fucking northview
2. do correspondence + night school at old useless catholic school
3. go back to regular day school & be the only 19 yr old present, feel guilty about 'competing' with these kids /+ correspondence (if necessary)

my final averages so far:

completed 02/2004
french 89
phil. 92

completed 06/2005
english 78, fucking shame, but phenomenal considering i skipped a MAJOR FUCKING shakespeare unit
western history 90

so far it's an 87.25...if i get at least an 85 in the remaining two credits, i can maintain an 86.2 average, minus about a 5% when universities see my mark, or most likely a lot more for finishing only two years later and for 'repeating' 2 of the courses, the latter of which is especially bullshit. we're so confident about numbers/statistics, aren't we.

how are my chances of getting into a university? and a desirable one? ugh.

as long as i keep staring into the radiation

2005-08-19T07:04:50Z

...i won't have to use my brains and i will forget that i even exist.

i feel like a Mersault, or Ionesco's Hermit, the former of which a literary critique has once very aptly pointed out, is but an idiot.

i miss school so much. my life is miserable/banal either way. from one prison to another/out one hole and in the other, right.?

but to be a bit more 'sincere', i have very high expectations for life, very high ideals, still, i.e. a concern to live a genuine existence that is most true to the facts - nothing else should satisfy. life is simply nothing to be complacent about.

my life at this point is still in suspension (i.e. noooo mom, i'm still NOT in university, NOR am i working yet -- i rarely spend, tho.) but i'm not the least bit worried about myself. it's only a matter of me waking up and smartening up, which i believe i can ONLY inevitably do gradually & eventually, somehow. only something is bothering me, i don't know what, and until then...

but fuck it, i am not one of those without ideals. do NOT look at me like that, i'm not one of you.

good morning, it's 4:30 pm

2005-08-09T20:30:32Z

i got my correspondence course materials in the mail today -- the institution that handles this stuff is a part of TVOntario, nice enough. the course is 'challenge and change in society' - a pscychology/anthropology/sociology course, not an awful one i think. flipped through it, there's a page or so on levi-strauss & structuralism, which should be fun. something for me to do, at least.

i don't wanna...

2005-07-18T08:11:32Z

there is SO MUCH porn on emule.

that is all.

fotos from brantford 26 june 2005

2005-07-01T07:21:17Z

with not so great photos of xiu xiu at the ford plant:

didn't get to hear anything from 'a promise' - but they did end the show off with 'sad cory-o-grapher.' a bunch of songs from the new album that i havn't yet heard. they opened with 'mousy toy' followed by 'crank heart' (a highlight for me). the obligatory valley, OH! pox, hives hives(?) and others.

high schools and i - an agonizing romance

2005-07-01T06:41:40Z

WARNING: CONTAINS SENSELESS JUVENILE BRAGGING, DELUSIONAL SELF-AGGRANDIZEMENT,..ETC, ETC.

now that it's over, i can't stand not being in school, even if it's still high school. sure, it's an institution, but it's better than getting into the work world.

as far as my 'birthday' went, it was miserable, (but only due to the fact that these days are always overhyped.) so nothing happened basically 'til i showed up at school for 'exam review' the day after. i got a perfect mark on my english exam, 40/40, which i shall brag about to no end! how possible is that?! -- a subject i never thought i'd do well (i hate literature, love philosophy), and especially considering the fact that i was sick when i showed up for the exam and had trouble getting my mind to 'move' at all or to organize my ideas. i still remember after having written it thinking that i failed fucking miserably and that it was the most awful piece of shit i've ever written in my life! so i was shocked.

it turned out to be a 10 page essay -- we had to write about Tom Stoppard's Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (modern drama unit, 'theatre of the absurd') and Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart (post-colonial 'classic') in relation to a given quote -- the one i chose was from Thomas More, which to paraphrase, was simply something about not giving in even if all odds are against you. i easily tied this in with existential themes: the metaphysical condition of man as presented by camus; his notion of absurdity and revolt. something like Rosencrantz as typical of a 'post-war' work with many absurdist themes/qualities and Things Fall Apart as representative of 19th century values -- men with notions of forced 'providential meaning' that were deficient and that brought them to their ultimate, inevitable doom. i forgot what my thesis was exactly or how my essay was structured.

i also got a 59.5/60 on an in-class essay on Robertson Davies' Fifth Business, which i have with me. i liked the novel well enough.

my english teacher thanked me & said some really encouraging things about my writing and gave me a giftcard to a bookstore, which just really made my week.

oh, how i wish i were aware of deadlines for summer school applications much sooner. to restrict an aspiring scholar is a crime! this is fucking miserable, i'll find other non-credit institutions, ugh. i want to get into university! fuuck!

europride commercial

2005-06-26T17:16:47Z

this is just great:
http://www.crazyshit.com/download.php?id=5946

AHHH! IAN CURTIS!

2005-06-26T17:14:45Z

if i'm not lazy, i should be heading to brantford, ontario (about a 2 hour bus ride from toronto) to see xiu xiu.

that gives me time to read, but i'm so indecisive, as with all petty matters. i feel like any of the following (& not one in particular):

Marcel Proust, Swann's Way (and this is only because of MARS' 3E)
E.M. Cioran, Tears and Saints
Routledge's Guidebook to Wittgenstein's Philosophical Investigations

ugh, what shall it be.

i'm curious to hear IC Wishlist, & hopefully a few songs from 'A Promise' in general. oh,.. i think i'll take my camera.